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Remember Benjamin Braddock, that college kid played by Dustin Hoffman in “The Graduate”? Remember the scene in which Mr. Robinson (actor Murray Hamilton), a business tycoon, tells Ben the future is in plastics?

Well, the days of wine and plastics might be numbered.

The Wall Street Journal has reported that Randall Krause — an environmental activist from Omaha — has filed a lawsuit in federal court to ban the tradition of balloon releases at the University of Nebraska after the Cornhuskers score their first touchdown at home football games.

Well … my first question is: How often do any children eventually fall to Earth? (C’mon … that’s how the news report read: “Randall Krause likens the balloons to flying garbage that endangers wildlife and even children when they eventually fall to the earth.”)

When you’re out looking for fallen balloons, those misplaced modifiers can bite you in the backside.

Balloons reportedly decompose in about four years — about the same amount of time it takes for a fallen oak leaf to decompose.

By comparison, discarded plastic bottles can take up to 450 years to decompose.

And discarded plastic bags can take up to 1,000 years.

I guess that next, we’ll be reading about a lawsuit or an executive order for Coca-Cola and Pepsi et al to stop bottling soft drinks in plastic bottles. And then, there’ll be a lawsuit or an executive order to prohibit grocery stores and big-box retailers such as Walmart and K-mart from using plastic bags.

If an animal or a fish or a kid or a mentally challenged hobo eats a tasteless fallen balloon, they deserve to die for being stupid.

Now, get ready to bow down and repeat after me three times:

“Yes, Big Brother.”
“Yes, Big Brother.”
“Yes, Big Brother!”

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